Let me just state for the records that what you are about to read is a figment of my imagination and under no account must it be taken serious. I wrote it a long time ago and even though some people have read it, I felt it was wise for me to share it all over again.
TOBI: How has life in retirement been like?
OBJ: Wetin concern you? Shey no be interview you come do?
TOBI: Am sorry sir. We learnt you recently celebrated your 73rd birthday. Congratulations!
OBJ: Because you all saw my birth certificate, I am actually 95 years old.
Tobi: 95 years!!! So where did the mix up come from?
OBJ: When I was enrolling into the army, the mandatory age was 17years and below because it was believed that once you become 18, you are already a man so you wouldn’t want to listen to instructions so I submitted my application letter when I was 16 but because my parents house in the village does not have a postal address, the letter didn’t get to me until I was 33 years (17 years later). When I eventually got it, I rushed to the Ibadan where the recruitment office was situated but I was rebuffed back because I had passed the required age so I went back to the village and told my Grandpa about it. He consoled me and gave me a handkerchief which he told me to rub on my face and go back and talk to them at the recruitment office and I would be accepted. The rest is history.
TOBI: What did the hankerchief contain?
OBJ: Are u a fool? Na jazz dey dere!
TOBI: Let’s come back to the issue at hand. Most Nigerians are angry with you for imposing a sick man as their president. What’s your reaction to this?
OBJ: Thank you very much. When it was time to appoint a new president after you idiots (journalists) did not allow me run for a 3rd term, I was looking for a person that I would be able to control and also be willing to continue with my policies so I decided to start from the governors forum. I decided to choose governors that were reserved in our meetings and looked like dunces. After due consideration, I narrowed the 36 governors down to 5, namely Bukola Saraki, Bola Tinubu, Umaru Yar’Adua, James Ibori, and Uzor Kalu after which I sent my boy Ribadu to investigate each of them. According to his report, it turned out that Tinubu was a thug and it was possible that after he was installed as president, he would send Area boys after me to terminate my life, Ibori is a bloody crook. Don’t forget he is a Warri boy and you know the kind of “crimes” they perpetrate, Saraki likes women a lot and they like him also because he is an handsome dude and I am scared that he might snatch Florence (Ita Giwa) who happens to be one of my numerous girlfriends in the presidential villa, as for Uzor Kalu, he talks too much and it is possible that he cant keep secrets if shared with him which brings us down to last person Yar ‘Adua. In terms of physical strength, He looked like a strong man because I once saw him in the presidential gymnasium and he was looking all macho with his biceps and parks looking so “hunky” to the extent that the ladies employed in the presidential brothel saw him and they were all fainting. After he agreed to become my stooge, I decided to take preventive measures so that he doesn’t betray me. I took him to Baba Ayeelala (one of the greatest witch doctors to have ever lived) to swear that if he betrays and doesn’t conform to my standards and plans, he will become very sick to the point of paralysis but immediately he became president, he betrayed me. He did not acknowledge me again. He even went as far as saying that he wants to govern Nigeria using 7 points agenda when I told him to use my own agenda that has to do with fighting my enemies using EFCC, stealing money through Central bank and a host of other things. You can see the reason why he is so sick, HE DISOBEYED me and the oracles dealt with him
TOBI: So you are telling us that because he disobeyed your orders, he is sick to the extent that he can’t rule Nigeria?
OBJ: O ti jasi! When he wanted to become president, he no no abi?
TOBI: What must the president do to make amends and get back to ruling the country again?
OBJ: As you can see, it is not only me he has offended but Baba Ayeelala so we have to offer sacrifices to appease the oracles. Even though he offended me, he is still my boy. So after due consideration, I went to see Baba Ayeelala on the ways we can appease the gods. After Baba consulted the oracles, the oracle said we should bring items like which one private jet, 2 oil blocs, one house on an artificial island that must be created on the river Niger, and other things I can’t remember now and after they will be used to prepare a concoction that he will drink and he is going to be back and fit as a fiddle.
TOBI: Wow! Never knew that oracles asked for such things, thought it was the normal traditional items like palm oil, Lizards eggs …….
OBJ: (cutting in)…..You don’t know that the gods have become advanced and more developed. This is the 21st century and they have to flow with the tide. Gone are the days that oracles lived in mud houses and shrines. The gods now live in duplexes and they drive state of the art cars…
TOBI: What’s your reaction on prevailing crisis in Jos with some people clamoring for the division of Nigeria?
OBJ: This issue is very simple. Acting president Goodluck does not want to listen to my advice just because I am become old and senile. What they should do is to go to Jos, ask for the leaders of the warring factions if they are interested in war or peace. If both say war, they will fight each other until a winner is found. The winner remains in the city while the losing factions are sent out of city to form another settlement and they are reluctant to leave, we use the army to enforce it.
TOBI: Will it work?
OBJ: Of course it will. Do you know who will win the fight? The Fulani/Hausa people will win because it is in their blood to fight and kill so the Christian faction will be forced to move to another settlement and that settles the issue. As for decision to divide Nigeria, it is not advisable because we have to pay off the divided region which makes the money remaining insufficient to be embezzled which can affect my boys in government that pay “taxes” to me. Before you know it, they will start complaining of recession.
……………to be continued